dear shorty....garfield wishes you were dead.  the end.

Is Garfield dead?

"Jim,Jim!' I hear SHorty's plaintive cry as I scamper down my street, ducking between cars and hiding in alleyways , in my never ending quest to  elude our persevering bum, Shorty.
"Jim, I know you always tell me you got all that musical shit up there in yo studio but I tell you, I GOT to  lay down some rhymes and some beats, know what I'm sayin'?" "Me and my homie here, Garfield, we got  some dope ass shit that's gonna make us rich!" 
"Shorty,  no way. Uhh,nice to meet you ,Mr. Garfield,I, uh, have heard a lot about you. SHorty speaks very highly of you". Garfield is silent, he's lying in a wagon that SHorty has fashioned out of an old shopping cart. SUnglasses perched rakishly on his cat head. I think to myself,"he may actually be unconscious, I've got to  get these people out of here".
"Jim,Jim,Garfield, see, he's sick or somethin'. I don't what the hell, last week he takin' craps all over  my  bed instead of the litter box, I  mean, what the fuck is that? He jus mad cause I was gonna pop a cap in his ass. You know I'm shittin with you, G?"
Garfield says nothing.

"ok, Shorty, and Mr. Garfield,You have one hour to  lay down some beats and rhymes,we cool?"

"Jim, Jim, oh thank you,you ain't gonna regret this, this  shit is gonna POP! Now jus help me get this cart up them stairs, Garfield is all fucked up, I think he was smokin blunts already this morning and he always all backed up from that fucked up lasagna he eat up all the time. Grab one end of this cart."


SO there we are, dragging the supine Garfield up the stairs into the studio to  lay down some beats and rhymes.


"Look, SHorty, if you guys are going to  lay shit down, I think Garfield can't be laying in an old shopping cart, unconscious. See my point?



"Jim,Jim, he gonna come to. C'mon G,quit the fuckin around, we got into Jim's crib with all the musical shit, we gotta lay it down! Now!


"Uh, Shorty, I think he's turning blue, I mean as much as cats can turn blue but he is fucked  up. You'd better do cpr or something"


"Sheee-it, I ain't kissn' no damn  cat!"   I  take Garfield out of the cart, I can  feel a heartbeat but it's pretty weak.


"Shorty, call 911, we're losin' him!"


"Awwww, fuck, Jim, we can't be losin' G! C,mon G, snap out of it!" As Shorty starts to  beat and slap Garfield's face. Nothing.


"Look, you dip shits get the fuck out of here, I don't want the cops up here snoopin around with a fucking dead cat laying in the studio. Get the fuck out!"

So SHorty piles the near lifeless body of our other hero,Garfield, into  his makeshift wagon and carries him down the stairs and out onto the street. "Help! Help! I gotta dyin' cat on my  hands! SOmebody, PLEEEEEZZE help me save  fuckin G!"

As the street is jammed with  people that SHorty has pissed off over the years with  his incessant begging, no  one comes to  his aid!
"Hey, I got motherfuckin' Garfield here and he's blue in the face! SOmeone, PLEEEEEZE do  some cpr shit on his azz befo he die!"


Well, the people seeing that it is thee Garfield in danger, they stampede down the street plowing over Shorty, the bum, much in the same way he was  trampled last week by the pcp addicts he had sold drugs to.


So there lay Shorty, in the street, trampled and bloodied. Garfield on the gurney, happily hooked to an  IV , receiving oxygen and being petted and cooed over by his adoring public. As it turns out, Garfield had smoked one too many catnip blunts earlier in the day.  As they put Garfield into the ambulance, Shorty says,"hey, what about me? i'm all fucked up over cuzza you  fuckers tramplin me to save Garfield!" The crowd turns and yells, "Fuck you, SHorty!", throws old Subway wrappers and assorted cans and chicken bones and returns to  their shwarmas and pricey shots of Rumchata, leaving our persevering bum to lie unconscious in the street, yet again. The end.

shorty is a dumbass

So, our persevering bum, Shorty, kept telling garfield,"hey,man you gotta chill, i gotta  work this Englebert Humperdinck  concert this weekend, you know parkin cars an shit and then i'll get you the goddamn kitty litter. chill the fuck out before i put a cap in yo ass". This statement left garfield cowering in the corner, all backed up from too much lasagna and nowhere to go! He being a cat with some manners who wouldn't think of pooping and peeing all over the place, unlike a couple of other cats I had met in MY travels. But that's another story.
So, the Englebert Humperdinck concert comes up, Shorty is all decked out in full parking gear; orange vest he stole from a real parking attendant and a couple of sticks he had painted orange to "guide" in the cars.  Just like a jet plane. To their pubic street side parking spaces. Which he has no jurisdiction over whatsoever being a lowly a bum. Anyway, on his walk from the "crib", he spies a bottle of pills on the street, obviously a prescription drug deal gone awry. Being resourceful as well as persevering, he takes the pills and figures after he parks the car, he can offer the Humperdinck fans some "Ex" so  they can dig on the grooves and really get down. He can charge $5 a pill and get Garfield the best kitty litter Evie's(our local gourmet market) has to  offer! Little does Shorty know that the pills in the bottle are really PCP, or "dust", an animal tranquilizer popular about 30 years ago! It was reported to make people berserk and give them superhuman strength!  The Humperdinck fans are really gobbling up what they think is "Ex" , Shorty is beside himself with glee, having made a fortune in one night!
Or so he thinks. Little does he know that midway through the concert, the fans who are hopped up on  what they think is "ex" , they start to  lose their minds! They start tearing apart the theater, throwing security around like rag dolls, tearing up seats, smashing popcorn machines, etc. Shorty, obvious to  this, is standing outside the theater , smoking a blunt he  stole from one of the girls who work at the shwarma joint nearby. Well, he hears what sound like wild animals running down the street , stopping traffic, cars colliding, being overturned by the Humperdinck fans who  accidentally got "dusted". Shorty tries to  run but just having smoked a blunt filled with the "chronic", he merely stumbles and falls flat on his face, right in the middle of woodward avenue!  The mob, high on PCP, which Shorty sold them, tramples him as they run wild, wreaking havoc into the night. There Shorty lay, no pants, bruised and bleeding,  money all gone(the local thieves had cleaned him out when he lay unconscious in the street). He wakes up to  crawl back to the "crib". As he crawls though the door, Garfield asks, "where the hell is my kitty litter you promised to  buy? How am I supposed to  take a crap?" "I don't know, dawg, it was crazy, they was runnin' wild like they was on some kind of shit I ain't never seen before. I got trampled and robbed , yo, ain't nothin I could do!", Shorty exclaimed, tears streaming down his bloodied and humiliated face. "Shorty, you're a dumbass", exclaimed garfield, as he walked to  Shorty's bed and took a dump  right in the middle of  it. The end.

So,Shorty, being the persevering and resourceful bum that he is,decided to use Garfield's love of lasagna to come up with a black market money making scheme. They could make pot lasagna! So,Shorty robbed his local marijuana dealer and scored heaps and heaps of sweet green buds. He and Garfield went back to the "crib",sprayed insecticide all over to get rid of the bedbugs and got down to work. Earlier that day, after robbing the pot dealer,shorty had also robbed the local gourmet market,"Evie's", which was close to the crib. So they were all set. Garfield laid out the noodles while Shorty made the sauce, mixing in the pot with the oregano! They made two pans! The only thing they didn't know was how strong it was going to be. After taking it out of the oven, they almost went crazy, licking their chops in anticipation! You know how Garfield is about his lasagna. And Shorty about weed and soft foods. They each had a square of piping hot "pot" lasagna. How much to eat? How long would it take to kick in? They couldn't stand it and each gobbled down their whole piece of lasagna. After an hour, Shorty said to Garfield,"whoa, dog, i ain't feelin' so good. I'm all dizzy and shit". Garfield agreed but added that it felt like he was od ing on catnip, as he had at one point in the mid 80s. After while, they fell into a deep sleep and each were transported away on little lasagna clouds. Unfortunately, they didn't put away the lasagna before floating off to dreamland and when they woke up 15 hours later, the local alley rats had come in through the hole below the sink and made off with all of their 2 pans of lasagna! Now the rats didn't know it was pot lasagna and ate up all of it! The 'hood had some very sleepy and confused rats for a couple of days and Shorty and Garfield never got to sell their product and Shorty is still a bum to this day. The End.